Loss. These past few weeks, I feel like there has been a cloud over my family. From the loss of my great Aunt, to the kids and I getting hand foot and mouth, to an upper respiratory infection, missing Thanksgiving, I honestly didn’t know how much more I could take.
A week ago, we found out that we were expecting. It took a minute for me to wrap my head around it. A family of six. Adding a sweet new blessing to our family. Ironically, it was the first positive pregnancy test I had ever seen.
During our fertility journey, I got to a point where I stopped taking them because I would relate a pregnancy test with disappointment. So as crazy as it was to see that positive test, I immediately saw all the things we were going to do as a family of six.
Thinking about my three being older siblings. The amount of love they would have for a baby. Thinking about Bryan with another newborn. He was always so patient with the babies. The NICU was a breeze for him. He exceled at everything he learned there.
It was a beautiful picture. One I had thought about before but had honestly figured it wasn’t in our plan. We are so blessed with these three healthy and precious kids that it would be greedy to want for more.
But as I sit here, less than a week from that positive pregnancy test, I try to figure out my emotions as I think about the word miscarriage. It wasn’t supposed to be a part of our story. I wasn’t supposed to know what this kind of loss felt like. I had considered us so lucky to have gone through three years of fertility treatments and never had to experience this feeling.
In the blink of an eye, all of those plans were ripped out from under me. It’s only been two days since I found out that we were no longer expecting. I’ve mostly been trying to hold myself together. Bryan has been amazing, but I’ve found myself really questioning everything.
I’ve been stuck in my head, and on the outside, I’m baking cookies and finishing Christmas shopping, and getting ready for the kid’s play at church. But on the inside? I’m struggling. I’ve questioned my faith. I’ve questioned why blessings are given just to be taken away.
This is by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write. I thought that writing about my fertility would be the tough part of the journey. Now a week before Christmas, I find myself feeling empty. Void of something that I barely even knew existed, but oh man, did they exist. In my mind and more importantly in my heart.
I’m not sure that this blog will see the light of day. What I do know is, the best way to get my feelings out, is to type it out. My close friends and my family are here, and they know what’s going on, but I still feel like the world keeps turning as mine is just kind of sitting still.
Hormones still going through my body as if I’m pregnant. My body just not quite as caught up to my mind. The hormonal acne, the morning sickness, the fatigue. All things that my body is going to stop doing. Something I would give anything to continue.
I would throw up everyday if it meant another healthy baby. The fact is that just isn’t what was meant to be. I don’t know the reasoning. I don’t know the answers to my questions. I have to find joy in the trials. I know that He knows best. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. It sucks. Big time. I’ll find my smile, and I’ll find a way to keep making memories with the kids for Christmas. We’ll get through. Bryan will pull me through with him and every day, my prayers and leaning on God first, will get me through.
If you’re reading this, and you have had this happen you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid. Be sure to give yourself time to feel them all. Pray. If you need someone to listen, message me. Email me. Anything you need, I’m here.
Praying for a better beginning to 2022 than the end of 2021. Praying for peace. Praying for healing. Praying for understanding that there may never be true understanding. This was written before Christmas, and I didn’t think I was going to post it.
The more I sat on it, the more I knew that my heart was being pulled to share. Share my story because I have friends who shared theirs and they have been able to help me. So, this is me. Sharing when I didn’t really want to but sharing in hopes that it may help someone down the road.