Grieving What You’ll Never Have

When you have so much to be grateful for, it’s really hard to think about the things you’ll never experience. Growing up, everyone has their ideal life. Everyone has hopes and dreams. When you’re going through life, you don’t think about those things not happening for you.

When you have fertility issues and then you get the outcome you’ve been praying for, it takes a while for you to sit down and process everything. This blog was really hard for me to write because I don’t want to come across as ungrateful. I am so blessed with my three little blessings but there are times where I realize there are things I won’t experience.

1. With my percentage of having multiples again sitting at 86%, the likelihood of my having another pregnancy is pretty slim. I always thought, I could totally have one more baby. I am one of four and I would love to have a singleton pregnancy.

Since finding out we were having triplets, we never say never in our household. As of right now, I can’t say we are officially done having babies, but with that 86% sitting in the back of my mind, the less I feel like I could do it.

A triplet pregnancy is A LOT on your body, as is any pregnancy. If I were blessed with triplets again, obviously I would cherish every minute of my life. I know that ultimately, it’s not my plan, it’s God’s.

So thinking about never feeling little feet kicking me from the inside, or never hearing another heartbeat from an ultrasound, makes me kind of sad. I think that no matter how many kids you have and you make the decision to be done, it’s hard.

2. Knowing that my babies will never experience being a big brother or sister, hits me kind of hard too. Watching my friends having their second or third babies and seeing their oldest become big brothers or sisters is so exciting. I know that my kids would be great big siblings and have so much love to give.

So thinking about taking that opportunity away from them is a hard decision to make. Anytime I think about feeling sad about being done, I feel guilty. I know that there are people out there that cannot have one baby. I was there, but my outcome was totally different. I cannot imagine not having my three littles.

My heart aches for their situation so when I think about feeling sad for not having a fourth, I feel that hint of guiltiness. Am I being ungrateful? I honestly don’t think so. I think I am forever grateful for the life I’ve been given. I love my babies with everything I have and I want to have more of that. I don’t think that means I’m taking them for granted. I know what I have and I know what I went through to get them.

3. People always say, ‘Oh, you get it all done at once’. I’m not sure I see that as a positive in every aspect. Every milestone we hit, we hit all together. Once Brody was walking, that was the last time I will see one of my children hit that milestone. The same went for when they were rolling and crawling. The list will only continue on in my life. When they go off to preschool, I won’t have a younger sibling at home to fill the void that they will leave.

When they go from elementary to high school, we will hit that all at once. When they a start to drive. When they go to homecoming/prom. It will all be at once. Something that I focus on for this one, is that when my kids do go to school, they will have each other to get me through that. I’m not sending one child into a classroom where they know no one. I’m sending three children into a classroom where they have each other.

That still doesn’t make me not feel sad that I won’t have another child to go through those milestones with.

4. The things that gets me the most is thinking about having an empty nest all at one time. This one is hard because it’s hard for me to see the babes being potty trained let alone being ready for college, but it’s still a thought that passes through my mind. Once they are ready to go to college or start their work as adults, I’m going to go from a rowdy loud, filled with laughter home, to a quiet house that I don’t ever remember having.

If you’ve been reading, you know that I touched base on making time for my marriage because in the end, it will just be Bryan and myself, but that doesn’t mean I have to be prepared for it. I can still be emotional thinking about an empty nest.

All in all, I know that I am completely blessed with my three babies, but there are things that people just don’t think about whenever they see that we had three at one time. Especially now, knowing that we have such a high percentage of having multiples again.

Through my pregnancy and even over the past year, I’ve been thinking I could totally have one more baby once the triplets started school. We’re young, there’s no hurry. Then the numbers started coming in and with that sitting in the back of my mind, I’m coming closer and closer to thinking that we are done.

As much as I don’t like to say that out loud, I know that I will have to consider the monetary toll and toll on my body that another triplet pregnancy could take. Again, this is not me complaining. I already said that I feel guilty sometimes for having these feelings but they’re still my feelings.

As I said before, ultimately, it’s God’s plan. So whether or not I have another baby or another three babies, I know that it’s His will. I know this was a little heavy for a Friday, but these thoughts have been weighing heavily on my mind!

I appreciate you all reading and I am loving your positive messages. I hope everyone has a Happy Friday and a great weekend!